Tiny Moments

62 million of them

This week, I was witness to the kind of grief that rearranges your brain. The kind that reminds you of life’s fragility, infuriates you because of its injustice, and yet makes you profoundly grateful to be in a room filled with such love.

It wasn’t my loved one being farewelled, and yet I cried more than I had at any funeral before. Because life is so fucking unfair.

Being a kind, responsible, loving, ethical person isn’t the shield it should be.

I came home and doom-scrolled on my phone, reading about the 62 million hits per month to a website that shared tips on how to sexually assault women.

And I presume they are all living their lives today.

Being a despicable, dangerous, selfish, immoral person isn’t the liability it should be.

Life doesn’t distribute tragedy according to character.

But it should.

I put my phone away and chose to focus on the sleeping face of my napping three-year-old granddaughter. Something that normally brings me deep calm and joy. Yet, all I could think about was how impossible it is to keep her and her baby brother safe. And how I hadn’t been able to keep her mother safe. And how unbelievably unfair life is.

I’m prone to spiralling. And I let myself do it for a while. But as the tears abated and my granddaughter’s face came back into focus, I determined to find some peace before she woke up and saw her Gigi sobbing.

So, I watched her little chest puff in and out. The tiny twitches of her nose as she dreamed. The little pool of drool spreading on my pillow. And I reminded myself that while there is absolutely no certainty in life, we are given tiny moments. And choosing to use them in wonderous adoration of somebody you love, is a pretty good way to spend a tiny moment.

Far better than the 62 million moments some people spent in cruelty.

Today, I’m still feeling fragile and furious. But I’m also feeling loved, lucky and appreciated.

I’ve given up hoping for justice in life.

But I also won’t let it harden me. Because that would be unjust too.

I’ll spend my tiny moments choosing kindness and love.

I hope more than 62 million people do the same today.